Physical beauty is not the ticket to living your life. There is no V.I.P. club for beautiful people where bad things stop happening to you because you look good.
In my pre-teen years and early adolescence I did not understand this. I was sure that physical beauty was the only thing that made life worth living. I used this misconception as a cop-out for everything. Why didn’t I have friends? Why didn’t I get invited to places? Why couldn’t I attract good dates? Why was my life so boring and miserable? My answer to all of these was “Because I’m not beautiful.” I thought that being beautiful was the only thing that made people want you around.
I came to learn that there was (and is) a huge list of things that contribute to having a fulfilling life. For my younger self, actually doing things and having something interesting to talk about were in flagrant lack. Talking about nothing but my problems and how ugly I felt were not going to create a social or romantic life.
I allowed this realization to alter my behavior. The next time I felt like no one wanted to talk to me, I would go read a book or learn or a new skill. If I felt like I was too fat, I would exercise. If I hated not getting invited anywhere, I would find someplace new to go by myself. Gradually I built a life and a self-image that were independent of how I looked physically. Having hobbies, interests, and experiences to share with others were what I really needed. No amount of makeup, hair products, weight loss, or even surgery could have acquired these things for me. But this was only half of getting a grip on my issues around beauty.
My peace of mind grew when I started surrendering to what I do not like about myself and cannot fix. The things that bothered me about my face and body as a teenager are the same things I do not like today. When I look in the mirror and I see all those things, I just surrender to the feeling. I stop fighting with myself about it.
“Whatever. I’m ugly.”
And you know what? It’s not so bad to feel that way and admit it to myself. Admitting that I do not see myself as physically beautiful actually allows my mind to stop fixating on the idea. It makes me remember all the things in my life that have lasting meaning. And it makes me remember all the things are so much worse than being ugly.
In many respects I am grateful that I do not feel beautiful. It has motivated me to invest my points in other things. I want my life to be built on things that last. I want to be able to engage with life and with others in a substantial way that does not depend on how I look. Self esteem is made out of things that are irrevocable and that no one can take away from you.
I think there needs to be a place in our minds, especially in women’s minds, where we can just accept that we are ugly when we feel that way. A place in our minds where no one rushes in to save us or try to bandage up our bruised ego. No one tries to assure us that we’re pretty. There’s no stretcher, and no one trying to prop us up and keep us running in this great marathon where we need to be beautiful or we are nothing. No. We are ugly. The race is lost. Game over. That’s it. Go do something else. Go help somebody. Go catch up with a friend. Go learn something. Go to that place you’ve always been curious about but never visited. Go get lost in something far more beautiful than any mere human could ever hope to be.
Thoughts About Womanlyness. 