Examination – Beware The Red Tent.

So first off, it really does hurt to have to section off the Red Tent with red tape, and spray paint a big red X on it to mark it for demolition. I will remember the glory days for the rest of my life. It’s all in the mind.

But anyway, I can examine what led to the decline of the Red Tent in succint list form. Many, many things contributed the fall of Red Tent and the embarassing debacle it is today. Most of these things were present from day 1. There were huge flaws and gaps in the very foundation. It’s a wonder that the women who contributed early on managed to make it work as well as it did for as long as it did (and not to mention the few who have managed to keep it going true even today). Let’s begin.

1. “Safe Space” (PSYYYYCHE!!!) – A huge problem in Red Tent from the beginning was the notion of “Safe Space.” From what nebulous definitions can be gathered, its supposed to be a space where people’s autonomy is respected and people are allowed to make their own decisions for themselves without judgement or reproach. While it was a great idea in theory, no one followed up on it. We would just declare “Safe Space” and expect that everyone would fall into line and know exactly what was meant. There was a refusal through inaction to really define what Safe Space was. As such, Safe Space could not be defended, as it had no real boundaries or definitions.  Who or what would we be safe from? What does “unsafe” look like? What do we DO if Safe Space is broken? This lack of boundaries and rules was a humongous problem. A common way that it was exploited was that someone would do something to upset safe space, and then when people called them out on it, the offender would declare that their safe space was being infringed upon.  For instance, you could totally dish out information pertaining to someone else during circle, and then when someone told you that’s not okay, you could declare that your safe space was being interrupted because people are trying to censor you. Really, the offending party can’t be blamed here, because no rules were set up in the first place! I have since tried to warn Red Tents that they desperately need rules and regulations. They need to be able to call out unsafe behavior for what it is. Most of what I have put out there has been reacted to with indifference if not outright hostility. Because Red Tents are supposed to be accepting environments, it seems people think that we must be endlessly accomodating of everything, no matter how vile and disruptive. Unfortunately, if you’re not willing to define “unsafe,” and actually DO something about unsafe behavior when you see it, you simply cannot have “Safe Space.”

1. Cissexism and Heterosexism. From day 1, there was an emphasis on celebrating the cycles and transitions of a female’s life – Maidenhood, menstruation, menopause, and possible motherhood. Much of this was positive. For instance, we would teach young women that their periods are nothing to be ashamed of. We would especially invite young women just starting their periods to come talk about how puberty is treating them, and to hear what other women have to say about that time of the month.

Women going through menopause shared advice to pre-meopausal women. That was pretty awesome too.

Where this went sour was that there was also a HUGE emphasis on the symbolic and spiritual importance of the uterus. Even the red fabric was supposed to symbolize a womb and the monthly flow. Unfortunately, people who have no uterus, no menses, don’t want children, can’t have children, or are gay or are transgendered were a mere footnote given this model. In some cases, these people ended up being “schooled” in circle or were pushed to the sidelines to the point that they were only welcome at face value. That was messed up and needless to say caused some friction.

4. Touch. Related to the problem of safe space was how touch was dealt with. This was not a group where there was any sexual or romantic touching, mind you. Most Red Tents seemed to be environments where we wanted to introduce platonic, nurturing touch. Back rubs, hand holding, shoulder pats, hugs, that sort of thing. Even with this in mind, not everyone wanted to be touched. And while *technically* they had the right to say no, many people felt pressured into accepting touch even though they really weren’t okay with it. Especially since touch wouldn’t be addressed until an individual approached you and either asked if you were okay with whatever touch they wanted to give to you, or just touched you without asking. Saying no to an individual is much harder than saying no in an abstract sense. So it probably would have been better to have an opportunity for those who didn’t want touch in their Tent experience to have identified themselves to no one in particular at the start of each gathering. It would also be nice to not have anyone postulating about why certain people don’t want to be touched, and to respect their wishes rather than figuring out how to help-force these people into being okay with touch. I can’t say for sure how many cases of this we had, but some people did seem palpably forceful around the touching aspect. On the flipside, many were also palpably awkward around the touching aspect. There were delayed or through-the-grapevine confessions of people who had accepted touch but later felt like their personal space had been invaded. While yes, ultimately its up the individual to assert their personal bubble, it shouldn’t be made into a stigmatizing, awkward, or difficult thing to do.

5. Conflict Resolution, Goddamit. Another sad result of the “This is safe because we said so” mindset was that there was absolutely no process for conflict resolution in the group. If women were having friction, there was no way to mediate either individually, jointly, or any way for them to go through their feelings in a way that doesn’t endanger Safe Space. Usually petty gossip was the only outlet, as any real confrontation or addressing of the issues was considered “too judgmental.” There was also an unspoken expectation that people were supposed to unconditionally kiss and make up. This did not work. There was a refusal to let two conflicting parties have their space when they needed it. Taking space apart from each other was seen as “uneccessary division.” In truth, getting away from the heat of conflict in order to cool down is often very, very necessary. Its important that two conflicting parties can still have their Safe Space, even if that means physically allowing the Safe Space to split in two.

5. Division of Labor/Costs. Running a Red Tent was a huge burden. There was procuring a date, time, and venue for each gathering. There was collecting and managing fabric and decorations, transporting the fabric and decorations, setting them up, taking them down, occasionally washing them, serving up food and drink, dealing with leftover food and dishes, cleaning the space, and bringing the fabric and decorations home. Not to mention the costs of gas, food, fabric, decorations, possible fees for a venue, and many other small stressors that make a Red Tent a huge sink of time, energy, and money. There absolutely must be a network of women helping out if this is to happen. It can’t all fall on one person. But that’s exactly what happened to me for well over a year. I won’t say I had no help or contributions, but the lion’s share of these contributions were things my Red Tent did not actually need. I got plenty of offers from people wanting to host the event at their house or facilitate circle, which really didn’t ultimately matter. What was missing the whole time was for people to physically help with setup. No matter how many times I requested very specific forms of help, help never came. It was exhausting, disheartening, and frankly crippling to my Tent, because the event depended entirely on me to make it happen. That sucked royally. Women would show up, receive, and then go home. In groups that require so much labor, everyone NEEDS to contribute something. It’s rather unfair that all the work and costs fall solely on some womens’ shoulders, and then other women are expected to do absolutely nothing other than show up. If pitching some food, some labor, or a couple bucks is really THAT much of a drain on someone’s resources, I daresay they have more pressing concerns on their hands than coming to Red Tent.

6. Divisions of Power/Illusions of Glory. In general, if a group has roles, people WILL start making things up about the power and glory of certain roles unless these roles are explained. In my case, many people in my Tent seemed to greatly covet the role of facilitator. I have no idea why. My role as facilitator was basically pure servitude and thankless labor. After setting up by myself, I would hold a stick and talk for a minute and a half about Red Tent, and then pass the stick off around the circle. There was no power. There was no glory. I knew from the start that forming a Red Tent was not for my benefit. If I had ANY of my best interests in mind (time, energy, finances, stress, career), I would never have brutalized myself with that level of responsibility.

But for some reason, there was a crap-ton of baggage among certain people about how my supposed ego and power tripping were absolutely ruining the group. This happened among the Red Tent I had attended previously as well, and is one of the reasons it exploded. My brain cannot comprehend this to this day. If I were to guess at what was going through these people’s heads, I would guess that they basically missed the point of Red Tent entirely.  Whereas we were gathering to ultimately relax and take a load off, these women thought that this was something glorious to put on their resumes, or impress people or… something. There were also huge one-sided power struggles. I say one-sided because well, there was no contest, and no prize to be had, but some women behaved as though they were in a race competing for some reward. It was all in their minds. A lot of this type of conflict could be resolved by explaining any roles that are present, and what these roles actually do. Likewise, explain what these roles do not do. It would also be wise to have a stated purpose for the group, and what the group is not there for. Of equal importance is having ground rules everyone knows about so that it doesn’t seem like one person is personally targeting another person when conflict arises.

7. New Age.  Red Tent had things in it that made it really appealing to New Age and hippy-dippie type folks. Goddess worship, meditation, smudge sticks, copy-pasted Native American customs, and a huge emphasis on things like “Divine Feminine,” “Intuition,” and “Sacred Wombspace” were among the bait put out for this crowd. Now, maybe I sound like I’m being really judgmental and discriminating here. What’s wrong with a few New Agers and people who enjoy the more spiritual side of life? Well, nothing – as long as New Age isn’t running the show. Unfortunately, this is exactly what was happening. It made the circle extremely uncomfortable and hard to relate to for people who didn’t want anything to do with Goddess worship, Divine Feminine, energy work, and all that other floofy stuff. As a result, the more secular people, who were valuable to the overall group experience, dropped from the roster like flies. It slowly started becoming a nest of New Agers with wackier and wackier ideas until anyone who wasn’t spiritual would flee for their lives.

8. Limitations of the Container. Red Tent needs to admit that it is not a substitute for psychiatric help, despite its emotional aspect. It needs a way to allow in participants without letting in dysfunctional behavior. It needs to admit that it cannot be a soup kitchen, despite its nurturing aspect. It needs to admit that it cannot be a fountain of endless giving, because that giving must come from somewhere. It must confess that people can’t just do whatever they want when they are in circle. It must let people know of rules and consequences during neutral times so that we’re not busting them out of our asses at the last minute when someone is tearing through safe space like a bat out of hell. I’m sure there’s others I’m not thinking of, but basically, Red Tent cannot be everything at once. It cannot exceed the value of what people put into it. It is a real, physical space that is subject to all laws of reality. Act accordingly.

That is all for now.

Story Time – Beware the Red Tent.

I was once a part of a womens group called The Red Tent. It was originally called the “Red Tent Temple” but I think many drifted away from calling it that as to not scare the normies away from checking it out at least once.

Originally, it did have a definite mission statement or two, but I think it was really more of an experiment. It was supposed to be a group where women gather in a calm, relaxed setting. They would each have an opportunity to speak and be really heard by others. Then they would ask for what they need in that moment. Maybe it could be provided, maybe it couldn’t. But at the very least, it was to be a peaceful, respectful, non-judgemental environment. “Safe Space” as it was called. 

 There is some history behind how this group came to be. If you’re really curious, you can check out the original webpage by the creator. But I’m not really here to discuss that. I want to talk about my own journey in this group. It was originally an outstandingly successful event but gradually decayed until it was a sad mockery of what it had once been. I learned a lot of lessons in this process, and those are what I want to pass on. I don’t think any of these lessons I extrapolated could be used to restore Red Tent to what it once was, unfortunately. It’s too far gone. If these lessons are to be used, it will likely have to be an entirely new movement that looks nothing like the Red Tent Temple.

So, what did Red Tent look like at its peak? At its peak, Red Tents were spreading everywhere through central MA, even into other states, and sometimes even overseas.

The one I went to was especially wondrous to behold, as we would decorate the spaces of our gatherings lavishly with fabric, christmas lights, and other ornamentation. We had a core group of volunteers who were dedicated to making this event happen. It was pretty much like an assembly line to the point where the facilitator and owner of the decorations would only have had to secure a time/day, and the rest would have happened on its own. Having four to six women dedicated to decorating and spending quality time together was pleasant. When the rest of the women showed up, there would often end up being a theme each month of what sort of things people were going through. Autumns and winters were tough and full of loss. Springs and summers were joyful and full of opportunities. I took great joy in this aspect because it felt like we were all connected in some way. It was hugely unifying.

It really seemed like women were bonding with each other peacefully. Women found strength from listening to other women get through their struggles.  They found resolve in themselves from observing other women grow.  

Many of us learned how to relax and ask for what we need, and in turn learned that there was  support available if we just ask.  It was all very positive.

And then it exploded. People grew  frustrated with each other. Many of our core group drifted off for one reason or another. The load-bearing beams fell. It just wasn’t as fun or easy as it used to be. No one bonded the way they used to. It took a while to figure out just what had lead to that event. In truth there were several things. That’s for later. Story time isn’t done.

I ended up starting my own Red Tent in another town. The level of atrophy and indifference in the movement overall had already taken root. By the time the Red Tent movie was underway, I could already smell the decay in the movement. That was what I was starting with. The things I saw along the way were discouraging. And ultimately, the things Red Tent desperately needed became glaring neon lights five inches from my face. It got the the point where one day my boyfriend looked at me and said something along the lines of “You know… we’ve been dating a while now, and I’ve never heard you say one good thing about Red Tent.” That was what snapped it all into place for me. I needed to get out of Red Tent.

These experiences left me extremely burnt out. It was a good two years before I could even look back at what had happened, let alone examine it. But when I did, I found myself with a wealth of new knowledge, and some very practical advice to give. Like I said, the Red Tent has declined even more since I left two years ago. Even casually browsing the pages for it on Facebook gives the impression that its a hissing hive of lunatics. And from what I saw while I attended, it makes perfect sense that that would be what it has morphed into. I will never, ever go back, despite my greif about the glory days long gone. My gaze is forward-facing. And that’s what I want to write about next – what lessons from Red Tent are worth taking with us as we move forward.