In my last writing, I detailed how women are basically bombarded with fluff their entire lives, and told that appearances are all that matter. This leads to thinking that simply looking the part means you are the part. Even if you opt out of mass marketed beauty and stop buying the physical products, the accompanying philosophy can be trickier to get rid of.
I want to explore how this has impacted the women’s rights movement. It has two possible manifestations, which sometimes but rarely overlap.
The first way this tends to show up is the well-meaning woman with her heart in the right place who wants to help, but has no clue what to do. She does not know what actual change looks like. She doesn’t know how to make an impact, and even if she made one she wouldn’t know what had happened. She has gotten beyond the vapidity and/or helplessness that tell her to do absolutely nothing, but she doesn’t really know how to make a difference in other people’s lives. For this woman, her ability to help would benefit from learning how to enact change herself. It would also be wise to learn how to spot ineffective groups and activities so she can avoid sinking resources into those things.
The second way that this emphasis on appearances tends to show up is a touch of narcissism. People who operate on this will gladly participate in any showy day-event, merchandise it up, and get their picture taken so they can post it to Facebook, but if any element requires risk, sacrifice, or sustained effort on their part, they’re out in a heartbeat. Or they just never got involved in the first place. This is not to be confused with people who do not sacrifice for a cause because they have nothing to give. The people I’m talking about just seek to look a certain way while not actually doing anything of real impact. In other words, their ultimate goal is “Did I look cool doing this? Alright, mission accomplished.” People like this can still be helpful; As again, some effort beats none. But they would also do well from learning where their effort is actually helpful. They can learn how to cause change while polishing their image as a selfless giver and martyr for a cause.
So how does one make an actual impact? I seem to have forgotten when the last time was I saw an example, because I have seen so much fluff. My mind is flooded with instances of ineffectual displays, so let’s start there. Instances of fake solidarity always have a few things in common, which make it easy to spot them as likely wastes of time, effort, and resources.
1. The event is big, showy, and theatrical. Everyone is dressed a certain way. It basically looks like a giant photo opportunity, or you actually see a video camera rolling.
2. You’ve never heard of this event before. It’s new.
3. The event is over with quickly with no follow up or plans to meet again.
4. The event doesn’t give women time to really connect, trade numbers, or get to know each other in any depth.
5. No one ultimately benefits from the event except maybe the participants at best.
6. Identify what the event is supposed to do. Nothing done at a wasteful event will concretely help the people it is supposed to help or do the things it is supposed to do.
I didn’t even have to look up the 2012 craze “One Billion Rising” before putting it under this category. Again, it *looks* impressive and inspiring at a glance, but unfortunately that’s really all it does. Posting dance videos to Youtube does not help battered and abused women, stop rapes and rape culture, or advance women into positions of actual power. It was an impressive effort, but largely misguided and wasted. No one who was supposed to benefit benefitted. I think the award for women using embarassingly low-impact cardio to accomplish something goes to the Zuiiken Girls in this case.
No but really, when was the last time I saw actual effectiveness? Let me think.
I recall a memory from about 3 years ago – a glimmer of hope. I once had an acquaintence who was in an abusive relationship and had fallen off the face of the Earth. I don’t know her reasons, but she pushed all her friends away while this was going on. Then finally, when she couldn’t take anymore, she reached out for help – the woman she reached out to, this helper, did not ask “How did you get into this mess?” she did not ask “Did you throw the first stone?” or “Why didn’t you tell someone sooner?” The helper took action, simply knowing that wrong was being done and her friend needed help. She came over and helped move the abuser’s belongings out the apartment while he was on one of his three-day siestas likely cheating on her.
I’m thinking to an outdoor gathering I was at, that while rampant with fake solidarity did also show some real solidarity with real impact from time to time. At this gathering a woman came to the head honcho divulging that she was withdrawing from heroin, and for whatever reason couldn’t go to a hospital. Head honcho set her up with her own tent, and a team of women volunteered to take shifts to stay with her during withdrawals and nurse her back to health.
There’s been half a dozen times that I’ve seen women on the brink of homelessness saved by other women.
I remember a story one of our elders told of years past, in which she had recruited women to comb the streets for rapes in progress and beat the culprits 20 shades of blue.
These kinds of things are some of the most effective things that we could be doing for women’s rights. The initiative to take care of the women next to us is one of the greatest ways to keep women from being disenfranchised. To not just sit by idly sending positive thoughts to a cause while ignoring the actual women who are the reason that these causes exist. To not declare our support for a cause in the name of fashion, then withdraw our support when its time to actually take on any level of risk, work, or sacrifice to help someone.
And do not, I mean DO NOT try to lable yourself as something you are not. Do not say you’re full of wisdom, advice, and fierce advocacy and then draw a blank when a person in crisis comes to your door. At LEAST have some knowledge of who people can go to if you can’t help them. Your good intentions do nothing. It’s what you can give that counts. You do not have to give everything, or give something you’re uncomfortable with giving. But know what you can give, and be willing to give it when the time comes.
For people who do care but are less hands-on, and YES that’s okay, it’s important to seek out how to contribute effectively in other ways. One good tip would be to look for places to donate money or time to that can present real evidence that they help people. A good sign for starters would be that they actually provide a service to someone. Testimonies, surveys, reviews and follow-ups are positive indicators too. You want to make sure your contribution is having an impact somewhere, otherwise you’re just going through the motions of helping.
For the more superficial crowd, I would add that volunteering at a good charity tends to impress people and can go on a resume. For those who desire more flashitude, hosting a one-day fundraiser can give them the publicity and photo ops they so desire. For even less work with maximum LOOK AT ME, just wait for the opportunites to come to you. Call the police on the guy going apeshit on his girlfriend, and stick around for a full teary-eyed witness report. Bring pain to the next guy who stalks and threatens one of your female friends. Hawk a loogie at the next person who makes a rape joke. Run your trap when you hear about a rape with victim blaming and no one is successfully charged with anything. Exploit every last injustice for all the visibility and drama you can. This can actually be helpful especially in cases where the people involved see no wrong, and outside pressure is needed to convict the guilty parties. Your involvement with these causes, even for superficial reasons, can still be helpful and a win-win arrangement. The only warning I would add is to be aware of how you are coming off to others. Don’t be so clip-boardy and full of yourself that you make your cause look bad and discourage people from getting involved.
My goal here is not to decry anyone’s character or motivations. Good causes need all the help they can get, and I don’t think the people who need help really care if you’re giving because of them or because of you. I also don’t want to be a cynic who just shoots down ideas while presenting no suggestions on how to improve. Hopefully this note has provided a sense of direction on how to invoke lasting change for the better.
Thoughts About Womanlyness. 