Guys With Rejection Issues – How to Handle

[Disclaimer: Yes, giving and receiving rejection is a fact of life for everybody. Yes, men too have to reject people who refuse to let go. But since each gender receives cultural messages that complicate rejection, I am presenting it here as a gendered issue going in a particular direction]

Girls are conditioned from a young age to care about people’s feelings, often to the point of taking far too much responsibility for them. It also teaches us that saying “No” hurts people, and that hurting people is never, ever okay.

A good place to start is to explore this notion that we “make” people feel bad. An important truth to learn is that we do not “make” people feel a certain way. They typically react to us based on past experiences and beliefs about reality that they had long before we ever arrived on the scene.  Does this mean that we should abandon all responsibility and do whatever we want to other people? No. Does it mean we should never let someone else’s actions or words effect us? No. And does it mean we have no right to be offended, ever, seeing as our reactions are ours alone? Heck no. But it does cut a little slack for people who feel overly responsible for others emotions. Especially those who try to go out of their way to control the emotional states of others. And yes, doing everything in your power to keep someone from feeling sadness, anger, or disappointment is an attempt to control their emotional state. That is not, not, not, not your job.

That brings us to tip #1 : Comforting the person you just rejected is not your job. While they may not be in control of their emotions at the moment, you have even less control of their emotions. Their emotions are theirs to deal with, and it is not your responsiblity to make them feel better. Don’t be afraid to say that to them.

Tip #2: Do not let them take you on any guilt trips. The emotions they have may be uncomfortable for them, but they’re not going to die. If they tell you or imply that you need to do something for them in order to lessen or alleviate their emotions, that is what we call a guilt trip. Do not cave in.

Tip #3: Don’t let them mess around with threats of suicide. Usually it’s not serious and it’s just an attempt to emotionally blackmail you to get you to stick around out of sheer obligation. If they are really serious about killing themselves over rejection, a girlfriend is not what is going to solve their issues. Unfortunately, you can’t see inside their head so you don’t know if they’re serious or not. Treat it as serious. Call emergency services immediately, and ask him if he’d like you to inform any family members about this. If he was serious, you did the right thing and if he’s faking you called his bluff. Remember, the responsibility for making him feel better is still not in your hands.

Tip #4: You don’t have to hear out his response. If all this guy has left to offer you is verbal harassment/abuse now that he knows he’s not getting what he wants out of you, you are under absolutely zero obligation to stick around and hear it. You don’t owe him something just because you rejected him. You are not a restaurant. Just because you didn’t give him what he ordered when he wanted it doesn’t mean he gets a free ticket to complain. Rejections are a part of life, and you are still a human with feelings.

Tip #4: You CAN choose to just block it all out. Every form of electronic communication we have has a vested interest in having a “block” function to put consumers in control of what they experience while using it. You can block anyone on Facebook, friends or not. You can block screen names, phone calls, texts, and email addresses. You can make your profiles invisible. You can change your number. You don’t need to feel guilty doing this.

Tip #5: Don’t be afraid to bust out the big guns if necessary. I feel like this one’s been done to death, but if the guy is following or threatening you, there’s resources on your side. The Police dept. might want a head’s up about this guy even if you can’t get a restraining order yet. If you’re at work, human resources and other upper management take this stuff very seriously. If you’re at school, you can get an in-school restraining order.

Tip #6: One thing I want to stress more than I already have is that you do not owe anyone anything because you rejected them.  You did not suddenly sacrifice all your rights, values, and human dignity because you didn’t want to give someone something they really wanted from you. Their reaction to rejection comes from beliefs they have about rejection that you did not create.  

Tip #7: Stand firm – don’t take the blame and keep on reminding them that they are responsible for dealing with how they feel, not you. If they can see that you’re not playing games, they likely stop trying to play games with you. It’s even possible that you may be able to salvage your friendship with them, assuming you already had one. Good luck.

Guys with Rejection Issues – Introduction

[Disclaimer: Yes, giving and receiving rejection is a fact of life for everybody. Yes, men too have to reject people who refuse to let go. But since each gender receives cultural messages that complicate rejection, I am presenting it here as a gendered issue going in particular direction]

Being rejected feels bad. But on the other hand, having to reject someone isn’t always a piece of cake. There’s also exceptional cases where there’s tie ups on both ends of the equation, making it far more difficult and painful than need be.

Today I want to address a few of these potential issues. I’ll go over how to deal with guys who don’t take rejection well, and what changes can be made to do this more effectively. You can’t change them, but you can change how you deal with them on your end of things. But first, let’s talk about what it usually looks like when a female has a really hard time giving an outright rejection to a guy. Rejection here can apply to romantic offers, overly enthusiastic offers of friendship, or romantic offers cleverly disguised as overly enthusiastic offers of friendship.

You’ve known for a while that this guy likes you. Every time you’re in the same room with him, he’s talking to you. Maybe he’s gotten your screen name and phone number through you or through mutual friends. He’s always trying to talk to you and knows your schedule by heart. He knows where to be and when to maximize his time with you. Maybe he’s even been bold enough to put his arm around your shoulders or something. He hasn’t directly come out and said he likes you, but it’s plain as day. You don’t particularly feel like bringing it up, but you know he will eventually. You don’t want to say yes, but you’re scared to say no. While his surface actions may look “nice” or “friendly” at a cursory glance, there’s just something about him that feels not so nice, and you know that any fascimile of niceness will end when you reject him. 

Maybe you’ve been dating this guy a while because he asked and you were too scared to say no, but your “No” hasn’t gone anywhere.

You can already feel his internal tension, and you know how sensitive he is to rejection. Something about the way he hangs on you makes you think that saying “No” is going to emotionally butcher him. It shouldn’t, but it will. The lessons you’ve been taught have only told you to care about people’s feelings. It seems like in order to care, you should do everything in your power to preserve this guy’s feelings. The “No” will inevitably shatter him inside because he can’t handle rejection. And sure, his rejection issue is not your issue, but it’s still going to be your answer that precipitates his emotional reaction. He’s putting all the power in your hands, and will react accordingly when you give your response.  Right now, with things as they are, if he feels rejected or disappointed its your fault.

How do you win this game? You need to care about feelings, and so you can’t hurt his feelings. Telling him he’s responsible for his feelings will hurt his feelings. “No” will hurt his feelings. You can’t say yes because it’s not true. If you just keep talking to him and play mum, he will eventually figure out that the answer is no.  The only alternative in this case is to hide. To just disappear and keep your contact with him as low as possible. It dilutes the no. Instead of no, now it’s “Oh I just never thought about it because I’m so busy and unavailable.” It’s the only way to turn his disappointment from your fault to no ones fault.

While sometimes a girl goes through the scenario above only to find out that the guy just didn’t know any better or was actually fine with rejection, more often than not there’s a reason for being so scared. Some guys have over-the-top reactions to rejection. A guy might make a huge display of grief, trying to blame her for his sadness, telling her how much his life sucks and how she’s now a reason it sucks, or trying to elicit pity. He might get angry and once again blame her for him being miserable. Or he might endlessly bargain and plead, giving her all kinds of reasons why the relationship will totally work, ignoring that she’s just plain not interested.

I won’t go into too much detail here, as regardless of what reaction the guy with rejection issues chooses, it has the same effect. You feel too scared to reject him.

But reject him, you must. Guys like this tend to go for girls who look scared, shy, accepting, and agreeable. They’re afraid of rejection so they pick the path of least resistance, as in, the girl who seems least likely to reject them. If you are not the path of least resistance, these guys will come to you less and less until eventually they’re not likely to bother with you at all.

It takes a lot of knowledge, insight, and practice especially, to learn to set boundaries without taking on the emotional burden of someone else’s attachment and rejection issues.

Next up, we get into how to handle the situation without claiming too much responsibility for things that aren’t ours to handle.

The Fall of Red Tent – Reflection, and Possibilities.

The Red Tent Temple Movement has gone sour over the last three years or so. I don’t doubt that there’s still isolated little pockets of Red Tents, far away from central MA, or ones that only meet once in a blue moon who haven’t yet felt this atrophy.

For the ones still going strong, I issue words of warning. The problems that I have seen here in central MA that kill Tents dead will eventually come for your Tents too.

I have been trying to warn people for some time about the problems I’ve seen. Like I said, people either seem confused or openly hostile when I bring these things up. It’s no surprise. If you had told me these things four years ago when I first started attending Red Tent, I would have given you a blank stare.

“What? No! Never OUR Red Tent!!!”

It’s fair to say that we were all fresh and naive when we were first starting out in this movement.  That naievete is why we never saw it coming. Many of the problems that to me are as plain as day now would never have even occured to me when I first stepped foot in a Red Tent. Even if you had presented them directly to my face in plain words, I would never have thought them even possible.

I think that this innocence is where the confusion and hostility come from when I now try to warn people that Red Tent desperately needs certain things to survive. Even after I have collected plentiful examples of all these crude shortcomings in action, people react like I’m talking about floating catpeople from outer space when I say that there’s reasons we need rules. Actually, I redact that statement. I daresay the general populus of Red Tent today would be totally onboard with the idea of floating catpeople from outer space. I’ve seen loonier stuff make its rounds in this group. But you will still get pelted with rotten tomatoes if you even mention the need for rules.

I won’t turn myself blue in the face iterating again why we need rules, expectations, and consequences in Red Tent. I will just say, ladies, you’ve been warned, your Tent is vulnerable, and these situations will absolutely tear it to bits unless you address it now in your times of prosperity.

For those who have wisely abandoned ship, let’s relfect. What did we accomplish? What part of our experiences (if any) still live inside us? What are we trying to save?

For me, there was two years or so where I felt more connected with a comminity of women than I ever have in my life. I felt immense amounts of support. People really cared. I shared a common purpose and intent with people who were just as willing to work hard for it as I was. I aquired positive female role models. Being around women was healing for that time. It fortified my resolve when I could feel my heart beating as one with a community so to speak.

For the Red Tent I went to initially, the women there accomplished something remarkable. Despite all the flaws in Red Tent from the get-go, we made that shit not only work, but thrive for two years. We put in the work with our hands, and reaped the rewards with our hearts. The fact that we accomplished such splendor with such a crappy premise was incredible.

And it holds promise for the future.

Maybe this won’t happen for a long time, but suppose someone out there somewhere decided to take what they learned from Red Tent and boot up something new.

This group would be a community and act like one. There would be a minimum contribution from each participant in some way, shape or form. With everyone contributing even bare minimum, this group would have its basic needs met. People would still be free to contribute extra.

There would be rules and consequences for people who behave in a way that threatens the safety of group participants. These rules would also be in place so people don’t unwittingly break them because they know what is expected of them. It would also help to have these on paper for newcomers. There would be stated mission purposes so that if the group was getting too far off center, there’s something to center back to. In addition, there would be set statements about what the group can and connot provide for its participants, so that people know what to expect and don’t feel jipped, blindsided or confused later on.

This group would be crystal clear on how leadership, rule enforcement, and overall direction of the group are manged. It would be clear to all participants who manages consequences of breaches of safety, conflect resolution, confrontation around minor things, and organization of the actual event. There would also be ways for fresh perspectives to enter the group without losing focus of the overall substance of the group.

This type of group would still have the bonding of Red Tent, but without the cataclysmic lack of structure. It would be a sustainable model for keeping the group replenished, safe, and moving forward. It would take a lot of effort, even more than Red Tent possibly, but that’s what community is for.

Like I said though, this likely won’t happen for a long time. Given the apathy and allergies to rules that have come to pass in Red Tent, it will likely be a while before we’re ready for a system purge and reboot.

Examination – Beware The Red Tent.

So first off, it really does hurt to have to section off the Red Tent with red tape, and spray paint a big red X on it to mark it for demolition. I will remember the glory days for the rest of my life. It’s all in the mind.

But anyway, I can examine what led to the decline of the Red Tent in succint list form. Many, many things contributed the fall of Red Tent and the embarassing debacle it is today. Most of these things were present from day 1. There were huge flaws and gaps in the very foundation. It’s a wonder that the women who contributed early on managed to make it work as well as it did for as long as it did (and not to mention the few who have managed to keep it going true even today). Let’s begin.

1. “Safe Space” (PSYYYYCHE!!!) – A huge problem in Red Tent from the beginning was the notion of “Safe Space.” From what nebulous definitions can be gathered, its supposed to be a space where people’s autonomy is respected and people are allowed to make their own decisions for themselves without judgement or reproach. While it was a great idea in theory, no one followed up on it. We would just declare “Safe Space” and expect that everyone would fall into line and know exactly what was meant. There was a refusal through inaction to really define what Safe Space was. As such, Safe Space could not be defended, as it had no real boundaries or definitions.  Who or what would we be safe from? What does “unsafe” look like? What do we DO if Safe Space is broken? This lack of boundaries and rules was a humongous problem. A common way that it was exploited was that someone would do something to upset safe space, and then when people called them out on it, the offender would declare that their safe space was being infringed upon.  For instance, you could totally dish out information pertaining to someone else during circle, and then when someone told you that’s not okay, you could declare that your safe space was being interrupted because people are trying to censor you. Really, the offending party can’t be blamed here, because no rules were set up in the first place! I have since tried to warn Red Tents that they desperately need rules and regulations. They need to be able to call out unsafe behavior for what it is. Most of what I have put out there has been reacted to with indifference if not outright hostility. Because Red Tents are supposed to be accepting environments, it seems people think that we must be endlessly accomodating of everything, no matter how vile and disruptive. Unfortunately, if you’re not willing to define “unsafe,” and actually DO something about unsafe behavior when you see it, you simply cannot have “Safe Space.”

1. Cissexism and Heterosexism. From day 1, there was an emphasis on celebrating the cycles and transitions of a female’s life – Maidenhood, menstruation, menopause, and possible motherhood. Much of this was positive. For instance, we would teach young women that their periods are nothing to be ashamed of. We would especially invite young women just starting their periods to come talk about how puberty is treating them, and to hear what other women have to say about that time of the month.

Women going through menopause shared advice to pre-meopausal women. That was pretty awesome too.

Where this went sour was that there was also a HUGE emphasis on the symbolic and spiritual importance of the uterus. Even the red fabric was supposed to symbolize a womb and the monthly flow. Unfortunately, people who have no uterus, no menses, don’t want children, can’t have children, or are gay or are transgendered were a mere footnote given this model. In some cases, these people ended up being “schooled” in circle or were pushed to the sidelines to the point that they were only welcome at face value. That was messed up and needless to say caused some friction.

4. Touch. Related to the problem of safe space was how touch was dealt with. This was not a group where there was any sexual or romantic touching, mind you. Most Red Tents seemed to be environments where we wanted to introduce platonic, nurturing touch. Back rubs, hand holding, shoulder pats, hugs, that sort of thing. Even with this in mind, not everyone wanted to be touched. And while *technically* they had the right to say no, many people felt pressured into accepting touch even though they really weren’t okay with it. Especially since touch wouldn’t be addressed until an individual approached you and either asked if you were okay with whatever touch they wanted to give to you, or just touched you without asking. Saying no to an individual is much harder than saying no in an abstract sense. So it probably would have been better to have an opportunity for those who didn’t want touch in their Tent experience to have identified themselves to no one in particular at the start of each gathering. It would also be nice to not have anyone postulating about why certain people don’t want to be touched, and to respect their wishes rather than figuring out how to help-force these people into being okay with touch. I can’t say for sure how many cases of this we had, but some people did seem palpably forceful around the touching aspect. On the flipside, many were also palpably awkward around the touching aspect. There were delayed or through-the-grapevine confessions of people who had accepted touch but later felt like their personal space had been invaded. While yes, ultimately its up the individual to assert their personal bubble, it shouldn’t be made into a stigmatizing, awkward, or difficult thing to do.

5. Conflict Resolution, Goddamit. Another sad result of the “This is safe because we said so” mindset was that there was absolutely no process for conflict resolution in the group. If women were having friction, there was no way to mediate either individually, jointly, or any way for them to go through their feelings in a way that doesn’t endanger Safe Space. Usually petty gossip was the only outlet, as any real confrontation or addressing of the issues was considered “too judgmental.” There was also an unspoken expectation that people were supposed to unconditionally kiss and make up. This did not work. There was a refusal to let two conflicting parties have their space when they needed it. Taking space apart from each other was seen as “uneccessary division.” In truth, getting away from the heat of conflict in order to cool down is often very, very necessary. Its important that two conflicting parties can still have their Safe Space, even if that means physically allowing the Safe Space to split in two.

5. Division of Labor/Costs. Running a Red Tent was a huge burden. There was procuring a date, time, and venue for each gathering. There was collecting and managing fabric and decorations, transporting the fabric and decorations, setting them up, taking them down, occasionally washing them, serving up food and drink, dealing with leftover food and dishes, cleaning the space, and bringing the fabric and decorations home. Not to mention the costs of gas, food, fabric, decorations, possible fees for a venue, and many other small stressors that make a Red Tent a huge sink of time, energy, and money. There absolutely must be a network of women helping out if this is to happen. It can’t all fall on one person. But that’s exactly what happened to me for well over a year. I won’t say I had no help or contributions, but the lion’s share of these contributions were things my Red Tent did not actually need. I got plenty of offers from people wanting to host the event at their house or facilitate circle, which really didn’t ultimately matter. What was missing the whole time was for people to physically help with setup. No matter how many times I requested very specific forms of help, help never came. It was exhausting, disheartening, and frankly crippling to my Tent, because the event depended entirely on me to make it happen. That sucked royally. Women would show up, receive, and then go home. In groups that require so much labor, everyone NEEDS to contribute something. It’s rather unfair that all the work and costs fall solely on some womens’ shoulders, and then other women are expected to do absolutely nothing other than show up. If pitching some food, some labor, or a couple bucks is really THAT much of a drain on someone’s resources, I daresay they have more pressing concerns on their hands than coming to Red Tent.

6. Divisions of Power/Illusions of Glory. In general, if a group has roles, people WILL start making things up about the power and glory of certain roles unless these roles are explained. In my case, many people in my Tent seemed to greatly covet the role of facilitator. I have no idea why. My role as facilitator was basically pure servitude and thankless labor. After setting up by myself, I would hold a stick and talk for a minute and a half about Red Tent, and then pass the stick off around the circle. There was no power. There was no glory. I knew from the start that forming a Red Tent was not for my benefit. If I had ANY of my best interests in mind (time, energy, finances, stress, career), I would never have brutalized myself with that level of responsibility.

But for some reason, there was a crap-ton of baggage among certain people about how my supposed ego and power tripping were absolutely ruining the group. This happened among the Red Tent I had attended previously as well, and is one of the reasons it exploded. My brain cannot comprehend this to this day. If I were to guess at what was going through these people’s heads, I would guess that they basically missed the point of Red Tent entirely.  Whereas we were gathering to ultimately relax and take a load off, these women thought that this was something glorious to put on their resumes, or impress people or… something. There were also huge one-sided power struggles. I say one-sided because well, there was no contest, and no prize to be had, but some women behaved as though they were in a race competing for some reward. It was all in their minds. A lot of this type of conflict could be resolved by explaining any roles that are present, and what these roles actually do. Likewise, explain what these roles do not do. It would also be wise to have a stated purpose for the group, and what the group is not there for. Of equal importance is having ground rules everyone knows about so that it doesn’t seem like one person is personally targeting another person when conflict arises.

7. New Age.  Red Tent had things in it that made it really appealing to New Age and hippy-dippie type folks. Goddess worship, meditation, smudge sticks, copy-pasted Native American customs, and a huge emphasis on things like “Divine Feminine,” “Intuition,” and “Sacred Wombspace” were among the bait put out for this crowd. Now, maybe I sound like I’m being really judgmental and discriminating here. What’s wrong with a few New Agers and people who enjoy the more spiritual side of life? Well, nothing – as long as New Age isn’t running the show. Unfortunately, this is exactly what was happening. It made the circle extremely uncomfortable and hard to relate to for people who didn’t want anything to do with Goddess worship, Divine Feminine, energy work, and all that other floofy stuff. As a result, the more secular people, who were valuable to the overall group experience, dropped from the roster like flies. It slowly started becoming a nest of New Agers with wackier and wackier ideas until anyone who wasn’t spiritual would flee for their lives.

8. Limitations of the Container. Red Tent needs to admit that it is not a substitute for psychiatric help, despite its emotional aspect. It needs a way to allow in participants without letting in dysfunctional behavior. It needs to admit that it cannot be a soup kitchen, despite its nurturing aspect. It needs to admit that it cannot be a fountain of endless giving, because that giving must come from somewhere. It must confess that people can’t just do whatever they want when they are in circle. It must let people know of rules and consequences during neutral times so that we’re not busting them out of our asses at the last minute when someone is tearing through safe space like a bat out of hell. I’m sure there’s others I’m not thinking of, but basically, Red Tent cannot be everything at once. It cannot exceed the value of what people put into it. It is a real, physical space that is subject to all laws of reality. Act accordingly.

That is all for now.

Story Time – Beware the Red Tent.

I was once a part of a womens group called The Red Tent. It was originally called the “Red Tent Temple” but I think many drifted away from calling it that as to not scare the normies away from checking it out at least once.

Originally, it did have a definite mission statement or two, but I think it was really more of an experiment. It was supposed to be a group where women gather in a calm, relaxed setting. They would each have an opportunity to speak and be really heard by others. Then they would ask for what they need in that moment. Maybe it could be provided, maybe it couldn’t. But at the very least, it was to be a peaceful, respectful, non-judgemental environment. “Safe Space” as it was called. 

 There is some history behind how this group came to be. If you’re really curious, you can check out the original webpage by the creator. But I’m not really here to discuss that. I want to talk about my own journey in this group. It was originally an outstandingly successful event but gradually decayed until it was a sad mockery of what it had once been. I learned a lot of lessons in this process, and those are what I want to pass on. I don’t think any of these lessons I extrapolated could be used to restore Red Tent to what it once was, unfortunately. It’s too far gone. If these lessons are to be used, it will likely have to be an entirely new movement that looks nothing like the Red Tent Temple.

So, what did Red Tent look like at its peak? At its peak, Red Tents were spreading everywhere through central MA, even into other states, and sometimes even overseas.

The one I went to was especially wondrous to behold, as we would decorate the spaces of our gatherings lavishly with fabric, christmas lights, and other ornamentation. We had a core group of volunteers who were dedicated to making this event happen. It was pretty much like an assembly line to the point where the facilitator and owner of the decorations would only have had to secure a time/day, and the rest would have happened on its own. Having four to six women dedicated to decorating and spending quality time together was pleasant. When the rest of the women showed up, there would often end up being a theme each month of what sort of things people were going through. Autumns and winters were tough and full of loss. Springs and summers were joyful and full of opportunities. I took great joy in this aspect because it felt like we were all connected in some way. It was hugely unifying.

It really seemed like women were bonding with each other peacefully. Women found strength from listening to other women get through their struggles.  They found resolve in themselves from observing other women grow.  

Many of us learned how to relax and ask for what we need, and in turn learned that there was  support available if we just ask.  It was all very positive.

And then it exploded. People grew  frustrated with each other. Many of our core group drifted off for one reason or another. The load-bearing beams fell. It just wasn’t as fun or easy as it used to be. No one bonded the way they used to. It took a while to figure out just what had lead to that event. In truth there were several things. That’s for later. Story time isn’t done.

I ended up starting my own Red Tent in another town. The level of atrophy and indifference in the movement overall had already taken root. By the time the Red Tent movie was underway, I could already smell the decay in the movement. That was what I was starting with. The things I saw along the way were discouraging. And ultimately, the things Red Tent desperately needed became glaring neon lights five inches from my face. It got the the point where one day my boyfriend looked at me and said something along the lines of “You know… we’ve been dating a while now, and I’ve never heard you say one good thing about Red Tent.” That was what snapped it all into place for me. I needed to get out of Red Tent.

These experiences left me extremely burnt out. It was a good two years before I could even look back at what had happened, let alone examine it. But when I did, I found myself with a wealth of new knowledge, and some very practical advice to give. Like I said, the Red Tent has declined even more since I left two years ago. Even casually browsing the pages for it on Facebook gives the impression that its a hissing hive of lunatics. And from what I saw while I attended, it makes perfect sense that that would be what it has morphed into. I will never, ever go back, despite my greif about the glory days long gone. My gaze is forward-facing. And that’s what I want to write about next – what lessons from Red Tent are worth taking with us as we move forward.

When Ladies Think Being Female is a Handicap.

One thing that I’m pretty sick of hearing out of women’s mouths is when they chalk up some problem to the fact that they are a girl. And I’m not talking about discrimination or anything like that. I’m talking about instances where a women is lacking in a life skill, a people skill, or a milestone in personal development and they blame it on their status as a female. Here’s some examples.

One woman I knew, “Squishy,” was a PhD level professional in her 30’s. She was financially/professionally stable and lived independently, but was still acting like a teeny bopper romantically. She would develop simpering crushes on scrubby unemployed guys who hung out in poetry clubs and played guitar. Every single time she thought this was going to be the guy she married, and she would constantly gab and giggle about it to anyone in earshot.

One poor friend of mine tried to express to Squishy that she didn’t want to hear about Squishy’s crushes every five seconds. Squishy in turn accused her of being a cold soulless minion that doesn’t respect her “squishy girl places.” (The naivete with which she said that was also pretty disturbing) Squishy felt that her problem in picking absurdly gross guys who only 16 year olds with low self esteem should be attracted to was due solely to the fact that she’s a female. To expand on that, she also said that she could not be expected to be rational because she is a girl. This makes no sense, otherwise every other woman on Earth would be making completely irrational decisions and trying to marry guys with no education or hygeine. Squishy definitely knew she was doing something wrong, but refused to do anything about it.

Then we had “Spaghetti Arms.” Spaghetti Arms threw her arms in the air like spaghetti and stormed away dramatically whenever a conversation wasn’t going the way she wanted it to. One example was a conversation in which she had poor knowledge of the topic at hand and then was corrected by people who had actually looked into it and had evidence to support their opinion. She had a few options there. She could have said “Well,that’s something.” She could have adjusted her opinion. She could have admitted she was wrong straight up. Instead she kept arguing her faulty opinion, and then when the argument got too heated she stormed off.

Then part 2 would come. Spaghetti Arms would make a big deal of the silence between herself and whoever she got pissed off at, with abandonment issues flaring all over the place. Mind you, what she didn’t realize was that in each situation SHE initiatied the silent times by asserting her apparently urgent need for personal space and time to cool down. But any attempt to explain this (or her initial overreaction) to her ended up with “You just think I’m crazy because I’m a girl.”  To expand, she also concluded that friendships between boys and girls are impossible because girls naturally tend to overcomplicate things. This makes no sense because there were girls in that same group of friends who were not seen as crazy, who could disagree with others peacefully, and who maintained friendships with males just fine. It’s plain to see Spaghetti Arms knew she was doing something wrong, but refused to fix it.

Thumbellina was a 50 something year old who seemed to think that women were ghosts when it came to interacting with anything physical. This happened a few times, but one example stands out clear in my mind. At one point some furniture had to be moved for a fundraiser for a women’s group. On the day of said fundraiser, she insisted that all the women involved should call up their husbands, boyfriends, brothers, fathers, sons, what have you to come over and move the furniture. Mind you, while she’s saying this, women were already kicking into gear to move the furniture. They were done by the time she was done talking. *sigh*

So we have a pattern here. Women who are lacking in some way chalk up their deficit to their gender. As if it were a physical handicap, a condition, caused by their gender.

Here’s the problems we listed here today –

1. Having incredibly poor standards when it comes to romantic partners.

2. Not being able to admit wrongdoing or disagree respectfully.

3. Not being able to do any physical task whatsoever, needing to import men to do it no matter how uneccessary or inconvenient.

And these are just examples off the top of my head. I’m sure we’ve all heard other examples of girls chalking up some critical lack in rationality, maturity, or independence to their status as a female.

It’s really quite alarming to see women making such hollow excuses for real problems that could be solved with real work and attention. These are all things that women (and people in general) NEED to learn how to do to be fully functional, well-adjusted individuals. It’s everyone’s responsibility to meet life’s demands and work on improving continuously. To shirk these responsibilities off is bad enough. To use gender as a waiver is another thing altogether; It is to straight up abandon ship when it comes to sifting out gender inequality. The punch line? All three of the examples above considered themselves “feminists.”

It is rather annoying that instead of making an excuse that would apply only to themselves, these cowards feel the need to chalk it up to an irrevocable physical status that half the world has. Particularly, I feel angered at the implication that I would in theory be less mature, rational, or independent solely because I am female. This is not the case for me. Nor is it the case for billions of women who pull their own weight just fine.

Don’t ever treat your gender like it’s a handicap.

Embracing the Ugly.

Physical beauty is not the ticket to living your life. There is no V.I.P. club for beautiful people where bad things stop happening to you because you look good.

In my pre-teen years and early adolescence I did not understand this. I was sure that physical beauty was the only thing that made life worth living. I used this misconception as a cop-out for everything. Why didn’t I have friends? Why didn’t I get invited to places? Why couldn’t I attract good dates? Why was my life so boring and miserable? My answer to all of these was “Because I’m not beautiful.” I thought that being beautiful was the only thing that made people want you around.

I came to learn that there was (and is) a huge list of things that contribute to having a fulfilling life. For my younger self, actually doing things and having something interesting to talk about were in flagrant lack. Talking about nothing but my problems and how ugly I felt were not going to create a social or romantic life.

I allowed this realization to alter my behavior. The next time I felt like no one wanted to talk to me, I would go read a book or learn or a new skill. If I felt like I was too fat, I would exercise. If I hated not getting invited anywhere, I would find someplace new to go by myself. Gradually I built a life and a self-image that were independent of how I looked physically. Having hobbies, interests, and experiences to share with others were what I really needed. No amount of makeup, hair products, weight loss, or even surgery could have acquired these things for me. But this was only half of getting a grip on my issues around beauty.

My peace of mind grew when I started surrendering to what I do not like about myself and cannot fix. The things that bothered me about my face and body as a teenager are the same things I do not like today. When I look in the mirror and I see all those things, I just surrender to the feeling. I stop fighting with myself about it.

“Whatever. I’m ugly.”

And you know what? It’s not so bad to feel that way and admit it to myself. Admitting that I do not see myself as physically beautiful actually allows my mind to stop fixating on the idea. It makes me remember all the things in my life that have lasting meaning. And it makes me remember all the things are so much worse than being ugly.

In many respects I am grateful that I do not feel beautiful. It has motivated me to invest my points in other things. I want my life to be built on things that last. I want to be able to engage with life and with others in a substantial way that does not depend on how I look. Self esteem is made out of things that are irrevocable and that no one can take away from you.

I think there needs to be a place in our minds, especially in women’s minds, where we can just accept that we are ugly when we feel that way. A place in our minds where no one rushes in to save us or try to bandage up our bruised ego. No one tries to assure us that we’re pretty. There’s no stretcher, and no one trying to prop us up and keep us running in this great marathon where we need to be beautiful or we are nothing. No. We are ugly. The race is lost. Game over. That’s it. Go do something else. Go help somebody. Go catch up with a friend. Go learn something. Go to that place you’ve always been curious about but never visited. Go get lost in something far more beautiful than any mere human could ever hope to be.

 

When Appearances Matter

It’s important that women fight back against beauty being used in unhealthy and minimalizing ways. It is also important that we disentangle ourselves from these influences in meaningful and effective ways. 

Beauty and appearance should not be all that matters in our lives. Ideally, it should not even be close to the top of our list of priorities. Nor should it be a step in achieiving a goal, except in rare and extreme cicrumstances which I’ll get to later.

 Realistically, however the impact of beauty will never leave our lives. Completely wiping that influence is near impossible. By the time we are old enough to examine what’s been fed to us, or read a feminist essay, most of us have already been conditioned irrevocably.

Beauty gives us rules about how almost everything works; our relationship to ourselves, our relationship with others, and how others relate to us. We don’t even have to apply the rules of beauty to ourselves to apply them to other people, or for other people to apply them to us. This is okay. We do not have to completely sanitize every aspect of our lives from the impact of beauty; It is not necessary to do so. There are cases where paying attention is important. Really what it comes down to is balancing beauty with other things. 

Firstly, there are exceptions to every rule. Models are obviously exempt from all of these rules. Their liveihood depends on preening and beauty rituals. Their job descriptions likely include that they must be under a certain weight, they must maintain their skin, and their hair must be a certain way.  Obvious exception.

When I say that beauty and appearences should not be a step in achieving a goal, I’m excepting extreme cases. Beauty, hygeine, and overall presentability do tend to be enmeshed. If someone gives absolutely no attention to how they look or smell to other people, this can lead to a hygeine emergency. It can also produce a look of general sloppiness which is off-putting to potential employers, friends, and would-be romantic partners. 

There is also another example of when intervention is sorely necessary. If someone’s views on beauty and appearance are severely misguided, it can have the same off-putting effect as if they did not pay attention at all.

Oftentimes this comes along with the previously discussed belief that our appearences bestow things upon us that appearances cannot possibly bestow. The show “How Do I Look?” produces a deluge of examples of women in this category. For instance, one woman who was trying to start a charitable organization thought that dressing like a street girl made her more more able to relate to troubled kids and gain their trust. She was told, correctly, that her bonds with troubled kids will come from her mind and her previous experiences. She does not don it from the physical clothes on her body like some super power. She was also shown with direct evidence that her manner of dress absolutely killed any chance she had of aquiring a foothold in that field. There is a reason street clothes are street clothes, and work clothes are work clothes. 

There’s also dozens of other examples on the show of women who think individuality, sexiness, outrageousness, and who knows what else come from their clothing. They think that if they dress like normal people they will become invisible and their entire persona will be crushed. While some of them may be right, it’s not for the reason they think. 

While it’s important and healthy to pay a certain level of attention to how we come off to others, how we are percieved does not constitute the substance of our character. Other people’s opinions do not make a solid identity. 

I will stress again though that how we look does impact our lives. That’s undeniable. It’s also unlikely to change for a long time. It’s not evil or hypocritical to protest the more destructive aspects of beauty in our society while indulging in beautifying ourselves.  

What’s really at the heart of this problem is that we must accept our that our gameset is what it is when it comes to beauty and appearances, while also making sure we’re not sinking unreasonable amounts of resources into pursuing mastery of our appearance. 

Our thoughts are a resource. Our time/effort is a resource. Our money is a resource. When womens circles talk about your “power” and “taking back your power” it usually comes down to these three things. What are you putting your power into?

Devoting some resources to how we look is reasonable. For instance, yeah, sure, I spend some time straightening my hair every so often. I also spend some time moisturizing. My entire life is neither about straight hair or smooth skin. I have plenty of hobbies and relationships that are completely independent of these things. Even if I had third degree burns all over my body, negating any hope for my hair or skin, I could still maintain most of the things I do in my life.  Poi, video games, drumming, volunteering, writing, working, singing, learning to craft things. All of these have little to nothing do with my hair and skin.  

Spending some money on a haircut is pretty standard. Unkept hair looks sloppy. Styled hair shows you put in effort, which usually takes products that cost money. Fine. Spending thousands of dollars for surgery to fix something you hate about your face is a gigantc waste of money with no payoff. It’s not healthy for someone to be that affected by the way they look, and they should probably find healthier ways to develop their self-esteem. If you’re one nose job away from living life at any second, you need a life. Not a nose job.

Putting on some make-up because you want to look better is fine. It’s largely come to be expected that women will wear makeup. In some cases, makeup has already won out as being the norm. This is evidenced by all the women who are not tired who get asked all the time if they are tired.  Not being able to leave the house without make-up however is to fail at living. 

Sending a message with the way you dress is fine. Well-tailored formal clothes do send a message. Even your choice in footwear sends a message. Wearing clothes to project an image or ability you do not in any other way have is missing the point of this. Attributing a trait or ability you most definitely DO have to the clothes you wear is also missing the point. 

So to close this big to-do, it really comes down to the old adage, “Everything in moderation.” I would also add that your resources are precious and its important to watch where you’re putting them. Some investments are lasting, others are not. And no, that does not mean go out and get tatoos to show how edgy you are. It means invest in things that will always be in your most valuable asset, your mind. Skills, experience, knowledge, talents, traits, actions. These are the things that are ultimately lasting. 

Effective vs. Ineffective Solidarity in Women’s Groups

In my last writing, I detailed how women are basically bombarded with fluff their entire lives, and told that appearances are all that matter. This leads to thinking that simply looking the part means you are the part. Even if you opt out of mass marketed beauty and stop buying the physical products, the accompanying philosophy can be trickier to get rid of.

I want to explore how this has impacted the women’s rights movement. It has two possible manifestations, which sometimes but rarely overlap.

The first way this tends to show up is the well-meaning woman with her heart in the right place who wants to help, but has no clue what to do.  She does not know what actual change looks like. She doesn’t know how to make an impact, and even if she made one she wouldn’t know what had happened. She has gotten beyond the vapidity and/or helplessness that tell her to do absolutely nothing, but she doesn’t really know how to make a difference in other people’s lives. For this woman, her ability to help would benefit from learning how to enact change herself. It would also be wise to learn how to spot ineffective groups and activities so she can avoid sinking resources into those things.

The second way that this emphasis on appearances tends to show up is a touch of narcissism. People who operate on this will gladly participate in any showy day-event, merchandise it up, and get their picture taken so they can post it to Facebook, but if any element requires risk, sacrifice, or sustained effort on their part, they’re out in a heartbeat. Or they just never got involved in the first place. This is not to be confused with people who do not sacrifice for a cause because they have nothing to give. The people I’m talking about just seek to look a certain way while not actually doing anything of real impact. In other words, their ultimate goal is “Did I look cool doing this? Alright, mission accomplished.” People like this can still be helpful; As again, some effort beats none. But they would also do well from learning  where their effort is actually helpful. They can learn how to cause change while polishing their image as a selfless giver and martyr for a cause.

So how does one make an actual impact? I seem to have forgotten when the last time was I saw an example, because I have seen so much fluff. My mind is flooded with instances of ineffectual displays, so let’s start there. Instances of fake solidarity always have a few things in common, which make it easy to spot them as likely wastes of time, effort, and resources.

1. The event is big, showy, and theatrical. Everyone is dressed a certain way. It basically looks like a giant photo opportunity, or you actually see a video camera rolling.

2. You’ve never heard of this event before. It’s new.

3. The event is over with quickly with no follow up or plans to meet again.

4. The event doesn’t give women time to really connect, trade numbers, or get to know each other in any depth.

5. No one ultimately benefits from the event except maybe the participants at best.

6. Identify what the event is supposed to do. Nothing done at a wasteful event will concretely help the people it is supposed to help or do the things it is supposed to do.

I didn’t even have to look up the 2012 craze “One Billion Rising” before putting it under this category. Again, it *looks* impressive and inspiring at a glance, but unfortunately that’s really all it does. Posting dance videos to Youtube does not help battered and abused women, stop rapes and rape culture, or advance women into positions of actual power. It was an impressive effort, but largely misguided and wasted. No one who was supposed to benefit benefitted. I think the award for women using embarassingly low-impact cardio to accomplish something goes to the Zuiiken Girls in this case.

No but really, when was the last time I saw actual effectiveness? Let me think.

I recall a memory from about 3 years ago – a glimmer of hope. I once had an acquaintence who was in an abusive relationship and had fallen off the face of the Earth. I don’t know her reasons, but she pushed all her friends away while this was going on. Then finally, when she couldn’t take anymore, she reached out for help – the woman she reached out to, this helper, did not ask “How did you get into this mess?” she did not ask “Did you throw the first stone?” or “Why didn’t you tell someone sooner?” The helper took action, simply knowing that wrong was being done and her friend needed help. She came over and helped move the abuser’s belongings out the apartment while he was on one of his three-day siestas likely cheating on her.

I’m thinking to an outdoor gathering I was at, that while rampant with fake solidarity did also show some real solidarity with real impact from time to time. At this gathering a woman came to the head honcho divulging that she was withdrawing from heroin, and for whatever reason couldn’t go to a hospital. Head honcho set her up with her own tent, and a team of women volunteered to take shifts to stay with her during withdrawals and nurse her back to health.

There’s been half a dozen times that I’ve seen women on the brink of homelessness saved by other women.

I remember a story one of our elders told of years past, in which she had recruited women to comb the streets for rapes in progress and beat the culprits 20 shades of blue.

These kinds of things are some of the most effective things that we could be doing for women’s rights. The initiative to take care of the women next to us is one of the greatest ways to keep women from being disenfranchised. To not just sit by idly sending positive thoughts to a cause while ignoring the actual women who are the reason that these causes exist. To not declare our support for a cause in the name of fashion, then withdraw our support when its time to actually take on any level of risk, work, or sacrifice to help someone.

And do not, I mean DO NOT try to lable yourself as something you are not. Do not say you’re full of wisdom, advice, and fierce advocacy and then draw a blank when a person in crisis comes to your door. At LEAST have some knowledge of who people can go to if you can’t help them. Your good intentions do nothing. It’s what you can give that counts. You do not have to give everything, or give something you’re uncomfortable with giving. But know what you can give, and be willing to give it when the time comes.

For people who do care but are less hands-on, and YES that’s okay, it’s important to seek out how to contribute effectively in other ways. One good tip would be to look for places to donate money or time to that can present real evidence that they help people. A good sign for starters would be that they actually provide a service to someone. Testimonies, surveys, reviews and follow-ups are positive indicators too. You want to make sure your contribution is having an impact somewhere, otherwise you’re just going through the motions of helping.

For the more superficial crowd, I would add that volunteering at a good charity tends to impress people and can go on a resume. For those who desire more flashitude, hosting a one-day fundraiser can give them the publicity and photo ops they so desire. For even less work with maximum LOOK AT ME, just wait for the opportunites to come to you. Call the police on the guy going apeshit on his girlfriend, and stick around for a full teary-eyed witness report. Bring pain to the next guy who stalks and threatens one of your female friends. Hawk a loogie at the next person who makes a rape joke. Run your trap when you hear about a rape with victim blaming and no one is successfully charged with anything. Exploit every last injustice for all the visibility and drama you can. This can actually be helpful especially in cases where the people involved see no wrong, and outside pressure is needed to convict the guilty parties. Your involvement with these causes, even for superficial reasons, can still be helpful and a win-win arrangement. The only warning I would add is to be aware of how you are coming off to others. Don’t be so clip-boardy and full of yourself that you make your cause look bad and discourage people from getting involved.

My goal here is not to decry anyone’s character or motivations. Good causes need all the help they can get, and I don’t think the people who need help really care if you’re giving because of them or because of you. I also don’t want to be a cynic who just shoots down ideas while presenting no suggestions on how to improve. Hopefully this note has provided a sense of direction on how to invoke lasting change for the better.

Beauty, Makeup, Fluff, and Taking Back Our Identity as Women and as People

I throw my gauntlet down to the relationship between women, marketing, and beauty. Many astounding works have been made on how the media uses beauty to tell a story about how women ought to be, and that story does not have a pretty ending. This is old news to anyone who has been paying attention and is not what I want to discuss today. What I want to talk about is how often we think we are fighting back when in fact we aren’t. Or a step further along, when we think we’ve successfully opted out by not buying the products when we still buy the philosophy and it’s just as much of a monkey wrench to meaningful progress as ever.

Let’s trace how women began to fight against cookie-cutter magazine beauties. The first reaction seems to have been to pull in the opposite direction. This is where we see the emergence of “real” women. Real women must look absolutely nothing like the women in the magazines. No makeup on their face. They must be at least a size 10, otherwise they look suspiciously fake until they put on some more weight. They were still using physical traits to measure an internal trait that ought to be evidenced with action and merits (pay attention to this, it’s gonna be important later). They substituted the word “beauty” with “realness” and continued on with business as usual acting like they had somehow won the war on beauty though in fact they had just moved the bar. Dove responded to this new niche of consumers with their “Real Beauty” campaign. This “Real Beauty” was just as fake, polished, and packaged as ever, but the consumers eagerly bought into it as a sign of progress. And with it they bought into a new set of products that prepare the “au naturel” look behind closed curtains – loofas, creams, nail buffers, shampoos, brushes, hair dryers, etc.

Then it was our turn again. We realized our boo-boo in that we were acting like beauty is some blanket that’s too small for all of us, and only one particular group of women can have it at a time. So we turned around with a very Opera-like flourish, and we said “You’re beautiful, and you’re beautiful, and you over there in the ugly corner, get over here, you can be beautiful too!! Everyone gets to be beautiful!!” A few examples of this would be the plethora of photographers for hire who would love to do your makeup/hair and do a burlesque/pin-up photo shoot with you. No matter what size you are. Because borrowing pornagraphic imagery from 60 years ago is somehow classier, and you can be sexy too no matter what anyone says. Another example is how much of the support given to breast cancer patients stresses how they can still be beautiful with jewelry, make-up, nails, and an attitude to match (Barbara Ehnrich’s “Bright Sided” goes into this in depth).  This “everyone is beautiful” attitude led to a lot of thumbs up our asses wondering what to do now. Why? Because it still didn’t solve the root problem that we equate beauty with everything anyone could want in life – happiness, romance, success, friends, fun, energy, confidence, opportunity, health. Well, we’re all beautiful now, and none of us ultimately feel much different than we did before, and women were still facing the same issues. So what were we missing here?

What happened was that we made the mistake of attaching so much baggage to beauty. Beauty itself was not the enemy, but the significance and the culture attached to it. We allowed ourselves to be convinced that our life does not truly start until we are beautiful. And this could happen at any time even if we weren’t born beautiful. Endless movies, sitcoms, infomercials and makeover shows have driven at the same message; One day the magic of make-up and salon products will turn us frumpy chicks into graceful swans, giving us a second shot at beauty and thus being someone that actually matters. Keep working on that degree now, but when we’re 40 we’ll start dressing well, blowing our hair out, get fantastic dye jobs, and live our lives the way we should have when we were 20. This is all that matters.

The media fixation on beauty is basically in response to one huge human need – to matter. All of us have that question burned into our brains – “What makes me matter?” or a slightly different version “What makes me special?” In more extreme cases this can summarized as “LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!!!” When you can convince someone that they need to buy a product to fulfill this need, especially in such a way that they’re pursuing it like its life or death, you can make a lot of money off of them. But again, this has been dissected many times before. It’s become obvious to anyone paying attention. What needs attention now is the impact that mass marketed beauty leaves on our psyches, even after we stop buying into it financially.

First up is the obstacle of separating beauty from all the other qualities we had paired with it – happiness, success, personality, confidence, romance, etc. Pairing these qualities with physical attractiveness instilled in us a sense of vapid narcissism. We thought having confidence only meant looking the part. The road to success meant buying expensive, fashionable clothes. Likewise, individuality meant having a unique dye job, striking make-up, and an edgy wardrobe. Basically, if you take the messages popular media sends us at face value, it says that for women life is a never-ending game of dress-up and make-believe. This is infantilizing and has some very serious impacts on women’s capability to make an impact on the outside world. I’ll touch on this again in a future writing.

But for now, how does one change the internal landscape? What happens when your life stops being about standing around looking pretty? What do you replace it with? Well, what we find out when we start being real people is that actions with actual consequences are more powerful than words or visuals. Confidence is not based on looking confident. You will only feel a satisfactory sense of confidence when you actually accomplish things that matter to you. Confidence can only spring from knowing, objectively and not just speculatively, that you can do something. Likewise, lasting pride can only come from irrevocable accomplishments that you are proud of. You may be proud of your flawless skin until you are old and wrinkly. You may be proud of your figure until your metabolism slows down. Your one-of-a-kind painted-on “personality” might fade away when you stop looking good in certain clothes, or your hair doesn’t do the things it used to. Whereas if you actually accomplish meaningful and lasting things, nothing can take that away from you. If you volunteered somewhere for 5 years, those experiences will last. A degree might lose its impact in the job market, but the actual work that went into it will always be there. Learning a new skill or language will always be valuable to you, and will broaden your horizons. These are all real life experiences with impact that have lasting value. They will enrich your life in ways beyond anything beauty can do. It’s what we DO that makes us who we are, not what we look like at a glance.

So, one thing to make perfectly clear is that it is incredibly unlikely for any woman in particular to completely liberate herself from ALL the things the media has told her about beauty, which other people have also echoed back to her.  It’s unlikely we will ever purge every last notion about the relationship between beauty and ourselves, other women, the opposite sex, and the way people respond to us in general. That’s perfectly okay. Certainly, it’s important to work on mitigating any beliefs about beauty that are counter-productive to relationships or cause misery in everyday life. But we do not have to give up the beauty game completely to start improving our lives in meaningful ways. The sooner the better.